Ali989969 is my beta for this story, and she’s super wonderful!
Disclaimer – Don’t own them, wish I did.
“Wait, wait, wait…” my lover stuttered adorably. “What the fuck, Pam?! You mean you… you slept with Cide just to… wait…”
“Well, yes, yes I did. And have I mentioned that you’re adorable when you’re all flustered?” Pam purred.
There weren’t enough words in the English language to describe how fucking grimy that sound was, let alone how disturbing.
My current girlfriend was obsessed with my lover…
And she’d only started sleeping with Alcide because she couldn’t have Sookie…
Wait just a second here… Holy fuck!
“That’s why you’re with me too, isn’t it?” I asked, my stomach taking the 401 South into the soles of my feet.
“And the giant is finally quick on the uptake!” she said with a flourish that ended in a golf-clap, and I found myself mentally chanting that it was wrong to hit a woman even if she did fuck chicks too. “Of course it’s why I got with you. I might like blondes with blue eyes, but your plumbing is all wrong. I like my golden-haired beauties a little rounder in the tits and less protruding in the groin.”
“Wait…” Sookie began again, and I worried briefly that her mind had flown the coop. “You mean to tell me that you’ve been with Eric all this time, badgered him relentlessly until finally he moved in with you, and have been begging to have his kid because you wanted to fuck me? I mean, how the fuck does that even make sense in your head?” Sook screeched, her voice deafeningly shrill, making my ears ring suddenly.
“Calm down, cupcake,” Pam drawled, rolling her eyes. “There’s really no need to shout. One would think you’d be glad someone like me is interested in you.”
“WHAT?!” Sookie bellowed.
Knowing she was about to lose it completely, I slid my arm around her waist and offered what support I could. Not that I wasn’t in favor of her beating the shit out of Pam, because I surely was, but Sookie in jail would be bad for me in a multitude of ways right now.
“Are you fucking kidding me, you nutjob?” Sookie’s voice had taken on an eerily calm tone that along with the finger she now jabbed in Pam’s direction, made my hair stand on end.
Needless to say, I gripped her just a little tighter to me.
But Sook didn’t stop there. “So you’re saying that not only did you fuck over the two most important men in my life because I wouldn’t let you lick my twat, but now you’ve got the balls to say I should be honored that you’re even interested in me?”
“Well… yes,” Pam replied slowly, like Sookie was now the deficient one. “YOU introduced me to Eric, even after all the flirting I did with you. I TOLD you that I slept with women, and that I’d teach you everything you needed to know whenever you were ready. But then you never were. So I started seeing Eric because I could tell that my advances toward you were making you pull away from our friendship. I figured that if I was with Eric, not only would I still be able to see you all the time, but I’d eventually be able to slowly bring you over to my side.”
I’ve been living with the bitch from Fatal Attraction.
Holy. Fucking. Shitballs!
“And what about having a kid with me, Pam? What the fuck kind of reasoning do you have to explain that?!” I posed, my voice low and shaky.
Kind of like my stomach.
“You are both very dense sometimes, aren’t you?” she asked snottily, and I had to remind myself again how not okay it was to deck a chick.
But Sookie needed no such reminder. Moving faster than I’d ever anticipated, she reached out and clocked Pam square in the kisser, finally bringing Al’s big ass off the sofa.
“What the fuck, Sook?” he barked. “She’s one of your best friends, what the fuck you going all Mortal Kombat on her for?”
“Maybe because she’s a dirty, lying, tramp-of-a-psycho, Cide! And if ya don’t shut your fuckin’ mouth, you’re gonna be next!” Sookie vowed, her fist already gearing up for round two.
“No matter how cute you are, cupcake, you swing at me again and there’s gonna be hell to pay,” Pam seethed as she spit blood on Sook’s new cream-colored carpet. Pam was going to be lucky to be walking when she left here after that little stunt; Sookie literally just had it put in last week.
“And if you spit blood on my new rug again, bitch, they’re gonna need shovels and bags to get your scrawny ass outta here. So you better start talkin’ and stop spittin’ before I lose my fuckin’ patience!”
Yup… knew that was coming.
“Fine,” Pam sneered while rolling her eyes. “Yes, I wanted to have a baby with you, Eric. I figured that since Alcide is fixed and Sookie wants kids so badly, that once she learned she’d never be able to have any with him she’d finally come to me. Especially since she’d still get to have you in her life as her best friend and as the father of the child she and I would share. And who knows? Maybe you could donate or something so that she could get pregnant at some point too?”
“You’re a lunatic, Pamela,” I nearly whispered, I was so blown away. “You really think I’d let you walk away with my kid and the woman I love, and then donate my swimmers so that she could have a baby WITHOUT me? You don’t need more fucking shoes, you batty bitch, you need therapy! Fucking truckloads of it!”
“Please, stop being so dramatic. It’s perfect, really,” she paused, something apparently dawning on her. “What the fuck do you mean ‘the woman you love?’ I’m the woman you love!”
“Maybe some introductions are in order since you’re clearly confused… You, Pam, are the woman I LIVED with. Alcide is the man you are fucking who in fact lives with Sookie here. Sookie is the woman I love. And I’m Eric, your EX-boyfriend and the NEVER father of your kids.” Really, I was never letting Sookie go. Aside from her, I tended to pick sluts or nutcases, and in Pam’s case I hit the joker’s jackpot with both.
“So you’re just going to move out?” Pam now screeched.
My ears might have been bleeding after that, but I pushed on and said, “Umm, well, lemme think… FUCK YES I am. Do you really think we’d just pick right back up and play house after this shit? Really? Because if you do, you’re not just crazy, you’re fucking brainless!”
“Pam,” Alcide finally decided to chime in again. “You can always stay here if you need to, sweetums.”
Pam opened her mouth to respond, but never got the chance. “OH LIKE HELL SHE CAN!” Sook yelled. “This is my house, and who the fuck said you’d still be living here after tonight? And what the fuck is it with you and your slimy pet names? What? Did you buy a book on romance for dummies? Must be a picture book, Christ knows you read like a second grader.”
“Whatcha mean I’m not gonna stay here no more?” he asked with his head cocked to the side like a big, dumb pooch. Suddenly I thought that she’d given him too much credit on his grade level.
Maybe I’ll call him Bubba from now on.
Yeah, that’s perfect. Dad’s old hunting dog of the same name was dumber than a bucket of par-boiled assholes, and since that old hound makes Al look smart…
“I mean, you been fucking someone behind my back for God knows how long. You’re not staying here anymore, and you’re dumber than you look if you really think I’d let ya. In fact, it sounds like Sluts-a-Plenty over there’s got a room opening up, so maybe ya oughtta go with your ‘sweetums,'” Sook offered.
“The lumberjack is NOT moving in with me,” Pam clarified. “He’s entirely too scruffy for my place.”
“But not too scruffy for you to fuck, was I?” he asked, sounding more hurt than I figured he would.
“A means to an end, Alcide, you were but a means to an end.”
And suddenly, I wasn’t the only guy in the room contemplating smacking a ho. Pam really should be grateful both Alcide and I would never stoop to such revolting lows.
But, if she doesn’t shut her mouth soon, I might just loosen my grip on Sook completely…
Anyway, Alcide finally found his voice. “Yes, I’m still gonna be living here, schmoop. Where the hell else would I wanna be? You’re my home,” he ass-kissed shamelessly. Turning to Pam he said, “And you mean to tell me all that about loving me and wanting to build a life here was bullshit?”
“Nooo, not bullshit. I do want to build a life here, in this house, just not with you. I want my life to be with Sookie. Or at least I did until she cheated on me with Eric.”
“Cheated on you?!” Sookie and I yelled simultaneously.
“Yeesss,” she said, again with the treating us like morons. “If he’s in love with you now, you don’t expect us to believe that you two have been playing tiddlywinks with each other, right?”
“Okay, you loon, first off: Eric and I have NEVER cheated, not once. But, if we had, I’d have been cheating on Alcide, not you. You were a friend, he was a boyfriend. Any of this sinking in there genius?” Sookie seethed. “And the fact that Eric and I were in love years ago has nothing to do with today. I committed myself to you, Alcide, completely. Unfortunately, you’re a tom-cattin’ sonofabitch and didn’t do the same.”
“What the fuck you mean ‘in love years ago’? You said you were occasional fuck buddies back in college,” Al yelled, his face redder than Santa’s drawers.
“No, actually I didn’t. We mentioned that we were an item and you assumed, we just didn’t correct that assumption. Which, to be fair, we probably should have, but there was really no reason to. Eric and I had been done for years, and I don’t cheat. End. Of. Story.”
“It’s not the end of the fucking story, and you know it,” he bellowed.
I had stayed pretty quiet throughout most of this, just trying to take it all in and protect Sookie’s back if needed. I was way more than done with Pam, so unless Sookie needed me, I had nothing else to say to those assgremlins. But when he took a step forward in Sook’s direction, I had plenty to say.
“Don’t you even think about layin’ a finger on her, Bubba. You so much as breathe heavy in her direction, and I’ll gut you like a fish and then use the shovels and bags on you,” I threatened, gently pushing Sookie behind me, and suddenly wishing I was wearing my pants. Fighting with your dick flapping about could be bad business, I feared.
“I ain’t gonna hit a woman, dick! But you… you I’ll make an exception for,” he promised, trying to look menacing after calling me a girl.
Fisting my flaccid, though still bigger than average, dick in my hand, I smiled cockily. “Oh, good buddy, I think you can see exactly how much of a man I really am. Looking at my manhood versus yours is like comparing Andre the Giant to Vern Troyer.”
He growled before lunging at me, but never got the chance to swing. I made sure I wouldn’t hit Sook and reared back before clocking him square on the chin. Alcide went down like a Redwood, landing mostly on his left side from his own momentum. I turned to Sook and asked if she was okay, at her nod I suggested we got dressed before the pooch woke up.
It was maybe fifteen minutes later when the big lug came to, to find Sook standing above him with a packed bag and his walking papers. During the time that Al’d been sleeping, Pam had jumped on Sookie’s back wailing like a banshee. I had been getting a drink of water and came running when the screaming began, prepared to aid my girl. Turned out, Sook didn’t need my help.
With Pam still attached, she turned and threw herself into the wall, slamming Pam’s back into it hard enough to knock the wind from her. Sook then pulled her to the front door by the hair, grabbing Pam’s purse from the table as she passed, and tossed both her friend and her shit out into the night… still mostly naked.
I tried to feel bad, truly I did.
But I just didn’t have it in me.
Anyway, Sook handed Al the bag, told him to get the fuck out or she’d call the cops, and then threw the cum-towel he’d just used right in his face. I gotta admit, I gagged a little when I heard the splat. “That’s for not telling me you got yourself fixed, you enormous pile of shit. You knew how much I wanted babies!” she wailed. “I might not have ever fully gotten over Eric, but I never let that get in the way of us. He’s been my friend and nothing more, and I dedicated everything I had to you. I will never forgive you, for cheating or lying about babies. Now get the fuck out!”
In the end, Sook had to take the house key off his ring while I towed his ass out the door. I might be a little less bulky than Al, but he drinks more beer than water and it shows in his strength. As the door shut I turned to look for Sook, expecting her to be right behind me. When she wasn’t, I began searching; the living room, kitchen, bathroom…
She was nowhere.
“Looking for something, baby?” I heard from down the hall.
Opening the door to her bedroom, I was shocked to see it empty. A tinkling laugh from the guestroom finally told me where she was hiding. Opening the door with a low creak, I found my lover naked on the full sized bed.
“Why are you in here, Sook? This bed’s tiny.”
“Silly man, I’m not going to sleep next to you for the first time in years in the bed I shared with Cide,” she offered with a small smile.
“I love you, you thoughtful girl.”
We’re not done yet, folks. But I have to admit, when I started this I had no idea Pam was going to be nuts. Crackhead muses… apparently, they had plans all their own for this story.
More coming soon!
Love and hugs to all – thanks for taking this journey with me!